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I don’t think anyone can quite understand what its like to have worked hard for something, and wanted it full-heartedly and have it taken away. I’m not talking about some stupid bullshit relationship. I’m talking about the Army. I worked for it, and gave it 120% And I got hurt, was sent home. A failure.
Does anybody even comprehend what that does to a person? I lost purpose and meaning to my life. That’s all I needed to do. I wanted, I needed to do that.. and I couldn’t. I can’t even begin to describe how much I hate myself for that. I hate myself.
I come back and everything has changed. My bedroom at my parent’s house is different. My best friend moved an hour and a half away. (I’m proud of him for that though, he got a hard working job, and is doing something with himself.) I’m so happy for him, and proud of him. His two siblings moved in with his sister.. I’m not saying these are bad changes.. just changes in general. I can’t wrap my head around it.
I left and everything was in shambles. My parents and I were in this shit fest. Where my mother and I couldn’t speak to one another. Right up until the day I left, my best friend and my’s relationship was the biggest cluster fuck. I don’t even know what to call it, it was just this huge mess. And we swept it all under the rug, when I came back.
All I know is that I find myself not wanting to live anymore. Its not that “oh i’m so sad, pity me, I want to die.” Its not that at all. I just don’t want to be alive anymore. I don’t want to breathe. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to interact. I just feel that everyone would be better off if I wasn’t around anymore. Maybe it would make things easier. They could sell my car, so there goes that. Sell all my things. I wouldn’t burden people anymore. No one would be worried about me being “Creepy”. Because that’s what I am, apparently. I make unwelcome advances, even though they are reciprocated. I wouldn’t be anyone’s mistake anymore. AND finally, maybe I could quit crying all the time. Can’t cry if you can’t breathe. I just have no desire to be alive anymore. That desire is gone. Its evaporated just like my life has. I’m meaningless. I lack purpose. So why should I even be here? Why?
I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to do this. I really don’t know.
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